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7:23 am
September 1, 2009
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Taimour
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| New Member | posts 2 |
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Have you ever watched a kid ?
On a merry-go-round
Or you listened to the rain
slapping on the ground ?
Ever followed a butterfly erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You would better slow down
Do not dance so fast
Time is short
The music will not last
Do you run through each day on the fly ?
When you ask "how are you "?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is down
Do you lie ine the bed
With the next hunderd chores
Running through your need ?
You would better slow down
Ever you told your child
We will do that tomorrow
And in your haste
Not seen his sorrow?
Ever last touch
Let a good friendship
Never had a time to say "hi"
It's better to slow down
Time is still short
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like n unopened gift
Life is not a race
It is slower
Here is a music
before the scene is over.
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4:23 am
September 4, 2009
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zainab
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| Member | posts 67 |
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Welcome Taimour on board. I read your text and i have a couple of comments.
I can see the idea you want to present but there are no concrete images in the text, youre asking questions, which is okay to do in poetry but here I didnt feel that your questions presented your feelings in an intense, precise and powerful way. also the rhyming didnt help much. Dr Sahar once said on air that when building up a poetic image musical rhyme shouldnt be our first worry as it is harder to acheive and needs poetc skill. However in the last three lines I felt there was something to begin with. I could detect the image of the dance and dancing and i thought it could be presented in a much better way.
so good luck and i hope you keep trying. writing needs patience and love.
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"In celebration of the woman I am", Anne Sexton
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9:45 am
September 9, 2009
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Taimour
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| New Member | posts 2 |
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anyway thank you zunba
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9:41 am
October 5, 2009
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Sahar elmougy
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| Member | posts 40 |
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Dear Taimour,
Welcome to the Forum. I basically agree with Zainab in her comment. I would also like to add that here u r still influenced by the music of the poetry u read, which is fine for now. The more u read poetry, different schools & poets, the easier & faster u will find ur authentic voice. Just keep reading & do not shy away from trying new forms & entering new areas.
Looking forward to more of ur poems.
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