Looking For Gold | Blind Scenes...

The night is still young. Scents of smelly sweaty fumes coming out of
my overweighted body fill my sences. The fan's swivelling voice
humming above my head and faint voice's of my sisters laughter with
mom are barely reaching my ears. I'm sitting here on the potty
wondering what this little ant is thinking about while walking this
vast landscape of my bathroom floor. It keeps changing course all the
time rentlessly, not knowing where to head next. What is the logic and
reason behind this pointless manuvers and change of direction all the
time? If only i could reach one conclusion of what its intentions
were, i would feel more safe. Maybe then i can sleep and find some
peace.

I didn't go to work today and i have absolutly no reason why i did so.
 Woke up this afternoon on the same blustering sounds of my cell and
home phones bashing into my head, screaming to bring me up from the
abyss of my sleep, and of course she is the one doing the calls. She
never rests until i wake up so she can start flaming me for all the
hassel i've been putting her into to wake me up. Whats is this deal of
me sleeping so deeply anyway and why have it been so hard to sleep at
normal hours lately?

Sweat falling off my forehead as the heat keeps rising. I wonder whats
ailing me. Whats making me so tired all the time. Pointless ideas of a
bright future haunts me, making me closer to believe i really am
crazy. Am i the leaf that life just sheds away for survival of the
fittest? What will become of me, where should i go from here and why?
What is the point of things, ideas, life in general. I'm happy to say
i am nobody, cause everyone keeps saying that nobody is perfect!
Still i'm losing sense of things in life. What is the meaning of happiness. All those dreams
and images of me now have faded beyond recognition. I no longer remember
who i was or what did i aim to become today. Everyone used to encourage
me to study so i can move on to the next year in school. I somehow
reached 4th grade in collage and fell off the cliff of goals in life! No more
studying, nothing more to be done. You're all on your own now son,
you've got your life ahead of you. Go get IT!

But somehow, i still don't get it! I really don't. Is that because i'm
stupid, or maybe i really am the week leaf that needs to be put to
rest. As if i was the side result of a chemical reaction that no one
really was expecting. No one knew i was coming, and therefore now no
one knows what should become of me ow what should be done with me.

So, my conclusion is that i am to be put aside till i expire. Or maybe something

could make any use of me eventually.

I'm not married. I'm the last kid in that class of 15 boys and 15
girls in my 4th grade classroom who is still that way. Still, i dont know why. Maybe

no one ever loved me. Well, i'd be lieing, and such a rude person saying that!
I've been blessed with love all my life. I dont remember a day where i
wasn't loved. Friends, family, dad, mom, my sisters.. Everyone loved
me. In a way or another. They always told me i was smart. And every
once in a while someone mentioned i have a baby face. So kind people!
Even with all this acne and pimples i've suffred from all my life,
someone out there acctually thought i had a baby face!

[to be continued.. someday..]

Mahmoud. M. Abdalla